Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Kids say the darnedest things!

I love kids' responses to interview questions - it's interesting to see the world from their point of view.

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? 
-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. ~Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. ~Kristen, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. ~Camille, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. ~Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. ~Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. ~Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. ~Martin, age 10

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich. ~Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. ~Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. ~Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. ~Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? ~Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is…

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. ~Ricky, age 10

Monday, September 23, 2013

I miss the old days

There are days – more often than not, sometimes - when I miss being a kid.  Not that I’d want to go back and do all THAT again, but I miss the simplicity of things and the safety of knowing Mom and Dad had things covered.  The other day, I actually caught myself saying the words, “Back in my day…” to my 15-year-old daughter.  It still cracks me up when I mention a singer, actor or other artist that was “famous” “in my day” and she responds with, “…Who?”  Whaddya mean ya don’t know who ‘Hall & Oates’ are?!?

The other day, I got to thinking about all the things from “my day” that are so different or even nonexistent today.  Technology and innovation have raced forward so rapidly, the things we thought were so cool are now obsolete.  I remember thinking that the 20-foot chord on the phone attached to the wall was great because I could walk all over the house and still talk on the phone!  Now, a lot of people don’t even HAVE a home phone because their cell phone is their primary connection to the world.  And what about those cell phones?  Remember when computers took up entire buildings?  Hand-held, wireless talking devices were the stuff of old sci-fi movies!  Now, if a 3rd grader doesn’t have a smart-phone, it’s “unusual” and we’re asking THEM how to work our new electronic devices!

Even food is different!  I miss the good ol’ days, when no one had a clue what ‘gluten’ was.  It’s amusing how we say ‘vegan’ now, instead of ‘eating disorder’.   And kids today have WAY too much power.  When I was a kid, “Keep it up and you’ll go sit in the car” was a valid threat.  Now, you’d be arrested for such an act.  Those brats that cry and fuss and scream and kick in the grocery store are met with, “Now, honey, let’s use our inside voice.”  Boy, when I was a kid, if you’re gonna scream like that, you better be on fire with a stick in your eye.

Growing up, I always thought that quicksand was going to be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be.  Today, kids have to worry about bigger things like cyber-bullying and not being able to walk home alone when they live two blocks away because it’s dangerous. 

Games are vastly different now too.  It's a little sad that today's youth don't get to experience a red rubber dodge-ball to the face.  Remember the Tamagotchi?  It used to be the greatest virtual pet ever. We loved them, we listened to their tiny electronic screams of malnourishment, and we occasionally forgot to pick up their poop for long enough that they died a tortured, poop-filled death.  Now the kids are playing games on their phones like “Subway Surfers”, “Temple Run” or the myriad of games available on FaceBook.

Don’t get me wrong – I love technology and innovation.  It’s really amazing to think that we have lived in 2 centuries and seen the turn of a millennium!  But I sometimes wish things could be as simple as the days of Little House on the Prairie.  I do love running water, though.  

For now, I find myself just hoping that FaceBook is going to stay the only social media site because I know how it works, I have friends I’ve reconnected with that I thought I’d never hear from again, and I JUST got my Dad signed up!  You know what, though?  I bet that’s what everyone thought about MySpace!  

Want to tell me what you think?  Send me a text, message me on FaceBook or do it the old fashioned way…email.  

GPS Abuse

GPS systems are kinda boring.  It would be far more entertaining if these systems talked to us like some of these:

Simon Cowell: This entire trip has been simply ghastly. You missed two turns, and your side-view mirrors weren't adjusted properly. And the worst part was the singing to the radio. Just awful. You’re no longer in the driver’s seat. In fact, I’d be surprised if you returned next week—because you’d probably get lost again.

Jack Bauer: I don’t have a lot of time. You’re going to have to trust me. The country’s fate is in my hands. So please, listen to me. The Wal-Mart is on the left, 2.6 miles up the road. Today’s the last day for the rollback prices on that wicker hamper you want, so grab it and go. Then we have some business to take care of.

The Biggest Loser trainers: 
Come on! So you’re lost. Are you gonna cry? Don’t you dare reach for that glove-compartment. I know that’s where you hide your Twix bars. Just take a breath. Pull over. Do some stretching. Get back in. And let’s turn around and get back on track! There’s a weigh station on the right.
IRS Agent:  Proceed to the intersection following Schedule C, section 4 dash 6; then turn right if the number of passengers in your vehicle [form B22] is greater than the number of cup-holders [line 15] currently in use…

Author of the ‘Windows file copy’ dialog box:
  You should reach your destination in 15 minutes…no, it’s actually looking more like six days…no, wait…30 seconds.

Did you know you can re-program your GPS “standard phrases” to your own?  Here’s some funny and clever ones:
     ·         “Recalculating” changed to:

    “Fine…have it your way”
    “And just WHERE do you think YOU are going?”
    “Try and stay on the route this time, OKAY?!?”
    “OK, let’s try this again, shall we?”

     ·         “Battery Power Low” changed to “I feel a weakness in the force”

I don’t have a GPS system in my car – I've never really had any trouble with directions, but there’s an “add-on” called “Dr. Nightmare” that I would LOVE to have.  It randomly says things without warning, like, “Did you hear something?”  On long, boring stretches at night, it might say, “You’re not afraid of werewolves are you?”  I have GOT to get that!

“Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…”

I miss working in an office.  A few short months left of school and I can get back out there, so in the meantime, I thought I’d get my fix of office humor and share with you!

Ever notice that most offices post so many notices that no one ever really pays attention to them?  How ‘bout this one (that I’m sure some of you have seen before):

Please Notice!!
You may have noticed the increased amount of notices for you to notice.  And, we have noticed that some of our notices have not been noticed. This is very noticeable.


It has been noticed that the responses to the notices have been noticeably unnoticeable. Therefore, this notice is to remind you to notice the notices and to respond to the notices because we do not want the notices to go unnoticed.
>From the Notice Committee for Noticing Notices

And let’s have some fun with office sarcasm:

Love how you turned my compliment about you being wise into me insulting you as old.  You’ll notice I didn't say you were easy to work with. 

Mock FAX machines all you want, but I never got a two-word reply-all on a FAX.

A “vanilla envelope”?  Oh, this I've got to see…

How sick I feel these days is directly proportional to how many sick days I have left…**cough**cough**

We passed around a “Get Well Soon” card for a co-worker recovering from surgery.  The box crossed out “Soon” and wrote in “Now”.


Oh NO! We’re trapped in this meeting at 5:45 and someone just asked “the Over-explainer” a question! Someone pull a fire alarm!”

Here’s something I will NEVER miss: Employee evaluations.  Here’s a few that slipped past the political correctness monitors:

Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap.

I would not allow this employee to breed.

When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whatever foot was previously there.

Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

There.  That should hold me over for awhile!

Today's people-watching session brought to you by the letters 'O M G'!!

Today, I completed my first week of school.  This is kinda fun.  The bulk of my classes take place on Tuesdays and Thursdays and I only have one class on Friday mornings.  I dropped Em off at school and headed to the campus to just relax in the cafeteria before class started.  I had my Starbucks and decided to check out the food choices offered by the school.  Turns out, it's best to eat before I leave the house, I'm afraid.  Anyway, as I sat at one of the tables in the dining area, I began to look around and take it all in.  Until now, it has felt somewhat rushed as I scramble from one class to the next, making sure I am not late and trying to figure out the best way to lug all those books around.  This is the first opportunity I've had to observe my surroundings and watch the other students in their various groups scattered around the cafeteria.

I chose a table near the coffee shop, where I had a pretty good view of most of the tables in the dining area.  Just then, I noticed a young man walk by me and head toward a gal who was waiting for him at a small table about 30 feet from me.  What drew my attention was the jingling I heard from the chain attached to his belt that disappeared into his pocket, where I'm sure it was attached to his wallet.  Really?!?  You haven't read the "You Might Be A Redneck If..." on this particular fashion statement, Sir?  What was even more amusing was that he had on a leather vest with more chains, a tattoo crawling up his neck, and a leather skull-cap.  The pants were a little tight and he was sporting a full beard, so he sort of looked "biker" on top, "skinny jeans" on the bottom.  Odd combination.  When he took off his jacket, I noticed that the jeans were so tight, he had "back butt" showing just above the studded belt that cinched his jeans so tight.  I could see this was only going to get worse if he sat down.  It did.  He didn't seem to notice or be bothered by it at all.  Sadly, this is not an uncommon sight among girls, but for biker boy? Not a good look.

As I watched people around me, I noticed that each table attracted a certain type of student.  There was a table of five or six boys playing a card game that looked a lot like Pokemon or "Dungeons & Dragons".  The cards were all laminated and the boys looked like the cast of "Big Bang Theory".  At another table were ten or fifteen kids who all had weird hair - dread-locked, ultra-spiked, or dyed various shades of blue, purple, green and orange.  Most of them had layers of bulky clothing or long coats on...very "earthy" looking.  Next to them was a table of kids who all had so many piercings that I'm sure I heard a faint whistling coming from their general direction.  Scattered throughout the room, I noticed older people - more my age - sitting at tables alone, faces buried in textbooks.

People-watching fascinates me.  Even in my classes, a few students have stood out.  Yesterday, in my Accounting class, the man next to me was falling asleep.  I say "man" because he looked to be in his early 30's. Most of the students are "just kids".  You know, 'cause I'm old and I can call them that.  Anyway, this man had longer hair than me, nearly down to his waist; he had a full beard that touched his chest; he was overdressed for the class with a heavy jacket and a sweatshirt underneath that.  The classroom was far too warm for that much insulation and the sun was shining outside.  No wonder he fell asleep.  He bobbed and jerked his head up and down for about a half hour and then gave in and was fully asleep, his head nearly touching the desk.  And in the front row, no less!

My computer class is chock full of interesting people.  We have 'Barbie', Gigantor the she-man, the Potty Mouth, the Slacker, the "what-did-he-say?" guy, and the loud mouth.  Barbie has long, black, curly hair that she is constantly flipping from one side to the other....constantly.  Gigantor the she-man is an interesting character.  I'm actually not sure if he/she is a man or a woman.  He looks like a large woman.....sometimes....but then speaks with a very low voice that can only be male.....I think.  Reminds me of the Arnold Schwarzenegger character on Total Recall when he disguised himself as 'woman' to get through security unnoticed.  Last, we have the Potty Mouth.  She is a tiny little lady about my age who laughs nervously every time she says the "F" word.  Which she says a lot.


The Slacker is never on time, never brings his books to class, and always asks questions that the instructor JUST answered and outlined VERY clearly.  I don't think he made it past the 6th grade, really.  Then there's the "what-did-he-say?" guy.  He just looks lost.  Every time the instructor pauses, he asks, "What did he say?"  or "What page is that on?"  Every time.  Last but not least is the loud mouth.  This is the girl who learned everyone's name on the first day and loudly greets us by name as we file into the room.  "HI BILL!! HI HEIDI!! HI JAMES!! HI STEFANI!"  And then sits there giggling through the entire class as she attempts to entertain Bill, Heidi and James.

I really am learning.  Truly.  I simply cannot resist sharing these observations with you.....the world through an old lady's eyes!

I think I may be retaining chocolate!

WHOO-WEE!! The hardest part of my current workout is running around the block a few times, then bending down to pick it up and put it back in the toy box. It’s that bending down part that gets me!  If you hadn’t guessed, I do not like to exercise very much.  I enjoy a walk with my friend or an occasional bike ride with Em, but for the most part, I tend to lead a relatively sedentary life.  Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the handle on my recliner didn’t qualify as an exercise machine.  I would find working out to be much more rewarding if every time I did a push-up my face went down into a chocolate cake.  Maybe I should change that.  OK, fine.  Here’s my new 5-day routine:


Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Tuesday 
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge


I may not lose any weight, but I’ll be busy! 

I don’t care much for rigid diets, either.  I tried that once.  I had to be on two diets, though, because I was still hungry after just one!  Who can afford expensive diet plans these days?  Not that I really need one – when it boils down to buying food or buying gas because I can’t afford both, I have to opt for gas because I sure as heck ain’t ridin’ my bike everywhere!

My favorite is the late-night commercials that show some flabby belly and ask if I’m “carrying around a little extra weight”.  Why yes, yes I am.  And then they trick you into buying their fix-it-all pill.  Listen, if it really worked, wouldn’t Oprah own it?  Years ago I fell for the hype.  When the pills arrived, the packaging said that if I combine them with a proper diet and exercise, it would be successful.  You don’t say!  Claiming a product ‘promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise’ is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun!  That little “Results not typical” at the bottom of the screen is wrong.  It should read, “Results not POSSIBLE!”  Those skinny models have never seen a day of fat in their lives!

Actually, I have the same body I’ve always had…adjusted for inflation, of course.  I
think I may have mastered the art of justifying my size.  You see, heat makes objects expand. So there you have it: I’m not overweight – just overheated.  Once, I checked the height/weight chart on a weight-loss website. Turns out, I’m about a foot and a half too short is all.  Seems all I need to do is cool off and stand up straight…..REALLY straight…..and I’ll be fine!  Who knew?

For me, the hardest part of dieting is not watching what I eat. It’s watching what other people eat.  I have no willpower and I’m not motivated.  I'd start lifting weights ... but I
figure if something's heavy, it must be nature's way of telling us not to pick it up.  I’ll stick to walking.  And I don’t care how many warnings I get….I’m still eating raw cookie dough.

Bottom line:  I believe in keeping in shape. I've chosen the shape of an old lady and I’m OK with that.

My name is Stefani and I am an Insomniac...

I am an insomniac.  I've grown accustomed to staying up late – it’s become my quiet time for getting things done.  The TV is usually what keeps me company when I’m not quite ready to fall asleep and it’s usually on TNT, USA or whichever channel is airing reruns of Law & Order or CSI.  After years of this pattern, I've noticed that the commercials that run are rarely seen during daytime or primetime. 

I’ve noticed that daytime TV has an overabundance of ads for online schools like ITT Tech and ICDC College.  Primetime, of course, has all the “regular” ads for food and various products – lots of them for whatever new phone, tablet or television is the next best thing.

Late-night is whole different animal and when you’re sleepy, it’s quite entertaining.  Maybe it's time to reexamine your life when you find yourself reluctantly nodding to the questions asked at the start of an infomercial.  Are you fat?  Does your skin show signs of aging?  Are you sick?  Late-night TV ads are mean!  Primetime TV airs ads for medications to fix every ailment from erectile dysfunction to depression and then late-night TV airs the class action lawsuits that resulted from taking them. 


There’s one product ad that cracks me up every time I see it:  Hydrolyze or Hydroxatone.  These two products have had the same ad for a couple of years now and every single time it airs it says the same thing:  “Call in the next 10 minutes…” and “this is the last time this offer will be available.”  Nuh uh!  You just aired it an hour ago…and last week…and last month… That has been the longest 10 minutes EVER!

Em and I watch TV together frequently and the “as seen on TV” products are so predictable, we've begun to sing in unison at just the right moment, “BUT WAIT! If you call right now…”

The ads seem far more unrealistic on late night TV.  All the “you can look 10 years younger” ads have models that would be 12 if you took those 10 years off.  I’d look perfect too, if I had a guy following me around with perfect lighting equipment and a softening filter.

I think my favorite ad is the one for Cialis – the erectile dysfunction medication for men.  If I didn't know any better, that medicine enables men to be able to be clever enough to use their horse to get a truck out of the mud.  There’s not even a “hi honey” kiss waiting for him when he gets home – not a woman in sight! 

I've never been on any medication for a long period of time – I don’t have the consistency to remember to take it every day.  I can’t even remember to take vitamins on a daily basis.  Hey…isn't there medication for memory?  Fortunately, though, there hasn't been anything life-threatening that I needed medication for.  Yet.  And as far as those ads for making us thinner, younger and happier, well…I may have trouble sleeping but I feel pretty good about who I am – I don’t have time for anyone who thinks I ought to be any different than I am!






The very best, totally wrong test answers...

In honor of Back-to-school time, I thought I'd do a school-themed post.  I wanted to be a teacher when I grew up.  I would collect humorous test question responses and write a book.  These submissions made me laugh, so I thought I'd share them:
Q: In which battle did Napoleon die?
A: His last battle

Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
A: At the bottom of the page

Q: River Ravi flows in which state?
A: Liquid

Q: What is the main reason for divorce?
A: Marriage

Q: What is the main reason for failure?
A: Exams

Q: What can you never eat for breakfast?
A: Lunch & dinner

Q: What looks like half an apple?
A: The other half

Q: If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
A: Wet

Q: How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
A: No problem…he sleeps at night.

Q: How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A: You will never find an elephant that only has one hand.

Q: If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A: Very large hands

Q: It if took eight men 10 hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A: No time at all…the eight men already built it.

Q: How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A: Any way you want…concrete floors are very hard to crack.

By the way...where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?







When I was your age…

I recently read that iTunes is now 10 years old.  It’s funny to look back and see how much things have changed in such a relatively short time.  Things we thought were “cool” when we were kids and things that simply don’t exist anymore – technology has become so integrated with our lives that I’m not sure we could ever live without it.  Remember when the remote control was attached to the TV by a long chord?

My friend, Kathy (yes, you, Kathy Veal Harper!) and I have been friends since
Kindergarten.  Over the years we've moved away from each other, run into each other by chance from time to time over the years, and gone long periods without knowing where the other was.  I was ecstatic to find her on FaceBook and we've had fun reminiscing about things we used to do as kids.  Cutting not only our dolls’ hair, but ours, much to our mothers’ horror; torturing our siblings, playing with Barbie dolls, baking “Shrinky Dinks” in the oven, playing in the woods with no fear of predators and making sure we crossed the front door’s threshold as the street lights came on.


As a child growing up in the 70’s and 80’s, life was sure different than it is for our kids now!  We learned to swim at about the same time “Jaws” came out…and still carry the emotional scars to prove it!    We tuned in regularly to the adventures of the Bionic Man, Bionic Woman, Wonder Woman and the Incredible Hulk and longed for those awesome abilities.  Schoolhouse Rock played a HUGE part in how we learned grammar, math and history and to this day, sing the little “conjunction junction” song when helping our own kids with homework!  Then there were those days when homework had to wait til the ‘ABC After School Special’ was over.  And who didn't want to be a Goonie?

Mom cut my hair like Dorothy Hamill…remember “Short and Sassy” shampoo?  A
predominant color in our wardrobe was “plaid”, and when I got a little older, we had to own SOMETHING with Jordache on it.  We wore banana clips, made “friendship pins” with beads and safety pins, and put feathers attached to roach clips in our hair without knowing what a roach clip was for!

Remember the console TV?  How ‘bout that $2,000, top-loading VCR that was almost the size of a coffee table?  We didn’t call the cable company when the picture got fuzzy, we adjusted the foil on the rabbit ears and beat the side of the TV til it came back into focus!

Everyone wanted to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven" on the guitar and we choreographed "Dancing Queen" in our bedrooms.  I knew all the words to the theme song of "The Greatest American Hero." ("BELIEVE IT OR NOT, I'M WALKIN' ON AIR... I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD FEEL SO FREE-EE-EE...") and secretly loved the book, “Are you there God, it’s me, Margaret.”

In high school, our hair defied gravity – we could go through a case of AquaNet hairspray in a week, and partying “like it’s 1999” seemed SO far away.  There were at LEAST three people in our school with names like “Skip”, “Buffy”, “Muffy” or “Dexter”.  The movie, “The Day After” scared the crap out of us and our first date took us to the local skating rink where we held hands for the “couples only” skate.  All skaters – change direction!
There was no “internet”, there was no “i” anything, and computers were something that filled up an entire city block somewhere inside the Pentagon.  Phones were attached to the wall and “cellular” phones weighed 15 pounds and had to be carried like a back-pack. 




The more technology advances, the more I forget how we ever lived without it.  My favorite part is staying connected to my friends and family that our busy lives would ordinarily keep me from.  Thanks you all for laughing with me!

You know you’re getting old when an all-nighter means you didn’t have to get up to pee…

I think my favorite comedy bits are the “you know you’re from thus-and-such state if you…” or “you know you own a whatchamacallit if you…” because there’s a very strong element of truth to all of them.  This morning, my Uncle sent me a list I hadn’t seen before – it cracked me up, so I thought I’d share it with you!

As you think about where you might like to retire someday, consider these popular destinations:

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where...
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can retire to the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin’" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."…It's important to know the difference, too.

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
FINALLY, You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.


I don’t know ‘bout you, but I think I’ll just stay right here.