Sunday, September 22, 2013

Fatty McButterpants, at your service!

I hate dieting.  My philosophy is, if people don’t love me for who I am on the inside, then I don’t need ‘em.  I’m not ridiculously overweight, but I certainly do NOT weigh what my driver’s license says.  In fact, I got a grouchy lady the last time I went in for a renewal and she said, “Do you still weigh 155?”  I nodded and said, “As far as you know!”  She did the ol’ look-me-up-and-down “MmmHmm.”  What does she care?  Pretty sure my butt's not gonna be in the photo, you can forego the wide lens, sister.

Did you know that if you go to the doctor, you do NOT HAVE to get on the scale?  Oh, I know they sometimes need to know what you weigh in order to prescribe the correct dosage of medication, but it’s really not that big a deal for general aches and pains and such.  It’s a doctor, for heaven’s sake – he can’t ‘eyeball it’ and make a guesstimation?  My sister will NEVER allow a doctor to weigh her and she has inspired others of us to now do the same.  You want to know how much I weigh?  You’ll have to guess.  Guess high, I don’t really care!  My weight has nothing to do with this cold!  First time she did it, the nurse got a confused look on her face and wasn’t quite sure what to do with her.  I would love to have seen that.

I get that eating right and exercise are good things, but I don’t really consider myself a couch potato and yet I still hang on to weight like my body thinks it’ll need it for the future.  I don’t always make wise food choices, but Em cooks some really good meals and ALL of it is from scratch.  She LOVES to cook, so we eat pretty darn good meals most of the time.  I do have my vices, though.  Taco Bell is just two blocks away……that’s mean.  I must say, though, before Em took an interest in cooking and I was working full time, we ate out a LOT more.  Well, more like we ordered in.  When you call your favorite place to deliver and they answer the phone, “Hi, Stefani, would you like your usual this evening?”, then it’s time to either find a new favorite restaurant or start eating better!  We opted for eating better.  Em's interest in cooking probably saved my life!

In years past, my Mom, my sister, Kami, and I used to try to do the Slim-Fast thing together.  I’d get a phone call from Kam in the morning:
   --Kam:  "Mom and I are gonna start Slim-Fast this morning, wanna do it with us?"
   --Me:  "Sure!"
***Three hours later***
   --Kam:  "Mom and I are starving – wanna go have lunch?"

You know those diet commercials, whether it be for pills or shakes or programs like Weight Watchers or NutriSystem?  If you look closely, there’s a disclaimer at the bottom of the screen during the durations of those ads that says, “Results not typical.”  It should really read, “Results not possible.”  And if that's not insult enough, the Wii came out with a weight-loss program that was supposed to be fun.  Talk about insulting - at the start of your "weigh-in", the program literally insults you! <Steps on scale> "HMPH!  OK...one of you get off!"


See, the thing is, I hate dieting because I’m not very good at it.  I am not a patient person.  I want instant results….like ‘overnight’ instant.  Since that’s not realistic…or possible…I’m like the kid who takes his toys and goes home: “I exercised til I passed out and didn’t lose ANYTHING today?!?  Fine!!  I’m not doing this anymore!”  Too bad I’m not as fat as I thought I was in high school.  For now, I’ll just pretend I’m what my driver’s license says!

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