I'm sorry...the position has been filled

I miss being the age when I thought I would have everything together by the time I was the age I am now.  When I was thrown back into the pool of the unemployed, I polished my resume’ and tried navigating the job market…again.  Oh.  What.  Fun.  You’re never as perfect as when you’re filling out a job application, you know?  Really, who IS that awesome?  

Well, to be fair, the people writing the job descriptions are equally “sensational”.  Here’s a few “honest” interpretations of job descriptions that I’ve found to be true: 

-- Join our fast-paced company: “We have no time to train you”

-- Must be deadline oriented: “You’ll be six months behind on your first day”

-- Duties will vary: “Anyone in the office can boss you around”

-- Must have an eye for detail: “We have no quality control”

-- Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience: “You’ll need it to replace three people who just left”

-- Problem-solving skills a must: “You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos”

-- Apply in person: “If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.”

I decided I ought to “awesome up” my resume’ and used some creative language to make me more marketable:

-- I’m extremely adept in all manner of office organization: “I’ve used Microsoft Office”

-- I’m honest, hard-working and dependable: “I pilfer office supplies”

-- I’m extremely professional: “I carry a ‘Day-Timer’”

-- I am adaptable: “I change jobs a lot”

-- I know how to deal with stressful situations: “I’m usually on Prozac.  When I’m not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks”

Maybe I could give myself an edge by making the presentation more appealing.  Maybe glitter or how ‘bout a scrapbook-page-style format?  How 'bout I answer all the questions with a sarcastic joke?  No?  I guess I could give myself and edge with a letter of recommendation.  

Hang on…let me call my Mom...