I think I may be retaining chocolate!

WHOO-WEE!! The hardest part of my current workout is running around the block a few times, then bending down to pick it up and put it back in the toy box. It’s that bending down part that gets me!  If you hadn’t guessed, I do not like to exercise very much.  I enjoy a walk with my friend or an occasional bike ride with Em, but for the most part, I tend to lead a relatively sedentary life.  Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that the handle on my recliner didn’t qualify as an exercise machine.  I would find working out to be much more rewarding if every time I did a push-up my face went down into a chocolate cake.  Maybe I should change that.  OK, fine.  Here’s my new 5-day routine:

Monday
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Tuesday 
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
Wednesday
Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles
Thursday
Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire
Friday
Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

I may not lose any weight, but I’ll be busy! 

I don’t care much for rigid diets, either.  I tried that once.  I had to be on two diets, though, because I was still hungry after just one!  Who can afford expensive diet plans these days?  Not that I really need one – when it boils down to buying food or buying gas because I can’t afford both, I have to opt for gas because I sure as heck ain’t ridin’ my bike everywhere!

My favorite is the late-night commercials that show some flabby belly and ask if I’m “carrying around a little extra weight”.  Why yes, yes I am.  And then they trick you into buying their fix-it-all pill.  Listen, if it really worked, wouldn’t Oprah own it?  Years ago I fell for the hype.  When the pills arrived, the packaging said that if I combine them with a proper diet and exercise, it would be successful.  You don’t say!  Claiming a product ‘promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise’ is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun!  That little “Results not typical” at the bottom of the screen is wrong.  It should read, “Results not POSSIBLE!”  Those skinny models have never seen a day of fat in their lives!

Actually, I have the same body I’ve always had…adjusted for inflation, of course.  I

think I may have mastered the art of justifying my size.  You see, heat makes objects expand. So there you have it: I’m not overweight – just overheated.  Once, I checked the height/weight chart on a weight-loss website. Turns out, I’m about a foot and a half too short is all.  Seems all I need to do is cool off and stand up straight…..REALLY straight…..and I’ll be fine!  Who knew?

For me, the hardest part of dieting is not watching what I eat. It’s watching what other people eat.  I have no willpower and I’m not motivated.  I'd start lifting weights ... but I

figure if something's heavy, it must be nature's way of telling us not to pick it up.  I’ll stick to walking.  And I don’t care how many warnings I get….I’m still eating raw cookie dough.

Bottom line:  I believe in keeping in shape. I've chosen the shape of an old lady and I’m OK with that.