The art of “pseudo-profanity”

I don’t understand cussing.  Oh, don’t get me wrong – I have certainly uttered my share of expletives, but not generally in normal conversation.  Usually, after a cabinet door has attacked my head or the corner of something smacked my funny bone.  Yes, my house attacks me.  Why else would I yell at it?  It should really know better.

Here’s what I don’t understand:  Commercials and other ads that use “fake” cussing.  Sometimes it’s funny, but there are times when it’s just a little too close to the real thing.  From what I’ve seen of commercials, the “Orbit gum” ad may have started it.  I’m sure there have been others before it, but that’s the first one I can remember.  It goes something like this:

“You son of a biscuit- eating bull dog!”
“What the french toast?”
“Did you think I wouldn’t find out about your little cootie-head doo-doo queen?”
“Who are you calling a cootie queen, you lint licker?”
“Pickle you cumquat!”
“I think you’re over-reacting.”
“You think I over-reacted when I put your convertible into a wood-chipper, stinky-McStink-face?”

That was pretty funny at the time, but then everyone started doing it.  “Shut the front door!” became a real popular one – EVERYONE was using that one and it’s still used in an ad for a cookie!  Recently, I saw one that came just a tad too close to the real thing when a nail polish ad had young women saying things like “Aw, sheet!” and “Oh, smudge!”.  The Simpsons cut it close with the phrase, "Holy flurking schnitt!"  That's pushing it, don't you think?  

I must say, though, some of the funniest I heard were from the movie, “Johnny Dangerously”, from 1984.  There was a character who butchered the English language and his curse words were actually quite funny:  "You lousy corksuckers. You have violated my farging rights. Dis somanumbatching country was founded so that the liberties of common patriotic citizens like me could not be taken away by a bunch of fargin iceholes...like yourselves, you fargin sneaky bastages!" 

I suppose it’s better to “fake cuss” than to really use those words, but there’s just something disturbing when our kids start using the fake words.  I’m not sure the marketing folks thought this through all the way.  Not that our kids aren’t going to hear the real thing all over the place, but on TV during hours they’ll likely see it?

As parents, we mince our oaths with things like “frickin’” and “dang” and “shoot” and it seems all innocent and clean til our three-year-old says it.  Then it just doesn’t sound so innocent.  I’m guilty of using “creative” language – my favorite is from “Elf”: ‘Son-of-a-NUTcracker!” 

When I hurt myself, though….I can’t help it – I lose my mind.  Recently, I stubbed my toe on the coffee table in my living room, but I didn't cry like a baby…. Babies don't have the lung capacity for what I did.

Not sure what inspired this particular ‘ranty observation’ but I’m done now, gosh dang it!