The itsy bitsy spider...yeah, right!

It has begun.  Spider season.  There is a little tree outside my front door on which the spiders love to anchor their webs between a branch and the corner of the house - across the direct path in which I leave my house.  If you think GOD works in strange ways, you should see me after I’ve walked through one of their carefully crafted webs. I'm sure my neighbors think I have epilepsy....or that I’m just plain mental when I walk out the door waving some stupid stick in circles in front of me as I make my way down the sidewalk.  

I am TERRIFIED of spiders.  Big ones, little ones, the webbing, whatever – I don’t care.  Oh, I put on a brave face when I’m “rescuing” someone else, but I do NOT appreciate those eight fuzzy little legs being anywhere in my vicinity.  I’ve tried to tolerate them – I’ve justified their existence for eating other bugs, but truthfully, they don’t keep up with that very well.  As far as I can tell, they prefer to simply sit around, waiting for me to happen by so they can act all surprised when I mess up their web.  

I saw one on the wall recently, not really in a place that would bother me.  Until I tried to approach it.  “Oh, Mr. Spider: You are tiny. I am a great big person. I am a grown up. I can handle this. You cannot overtake me. I will ki—OH-MY-WORD-IT-MOVED!!”  It’s hopeless.  I hope the screaming didn't alarm the neighbor.

When we first moved to our current home, Em and I were watching a movie one night.  Suddenly, a very large spider ran across the kitchen floor, toward the kitchen.  By “very large”, I mean about the size of a silver dollar, legs and all.  You know how they get all ‘tall’ and ‘prancy’ when they run?  Em saw it first and screamed, “MOM THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE KITCHEN!”  OK, first of all, her screaming scared the JEEBIES out of me and my blood pressure sky-rocketed.  Second....I saw it.  The spider stopped suddenly as if it heard her, turned toward us, and ran AT her!  Don’t tell ME they can’t hear!  I’m pretty sure he had a weapon!  We both screamed, she ran for the Swiffer, which doubles quite nicely as a spider-smoosher, I might add, and I stood watch to make sure we didn’t lose track of him til she got back.  From the safety of my chair, of course.  Needless to say, we got him.

The worst for me is when they show up in the bathtub, just before I need to use it.  Generally, I don’t catch sight of him until I’m ready to step in, so……well, have YOU ever tried to kill a spider when you’re stark naked?  It’s awkward.  And your skin crawls more.  And I think I heard it laughing.  Do you ever get that feeling, when you’re washing your hair and your eyes are closed, that when you open them, there will be a spider repelling down from the ceiling onto your face?  Just me?  OK, never mind.