The state of the Union

I love it when I find things that are just “not quite right”.  Some time ago, I discovered that there are still laws on the books across our nation that are, by today’s standards, incredibly insulting and strange but by far, hilarious.  This post is a tad long, but hey, I just couldn’t decide on the best ones!

Our long-ago law-makers either had a lot of time on their hands to pick at weird stuff or life back then was seriously messed up!  There are a LOT of states that had laws prohibiting activities performed on the backs of elephants, giraffe’s and camels as well as leash laws for alligators, lions and ducks.  Since when did zoo animals of this proportion become pet material?  Speaking of animals…there are laws written for them too:  In Tennessee, frogs are not permitted to croak after 11:00pm.  In several states, dogs are not permitted to fight with cats.  I hope someone explained that to THEM!  The fish are safe, though:  You can’t lasso them, dynamite them, shoot them, or catch them with your hands.  Ever.  In any state.  Especially the South.

Silly string and squirt guns must wreak havoc because just about every single state has banned them.  And forget about doing just about anything but breathe on Sunday.  No shopping, no dancing, no eating certain foods, no fun of ANY kind.  Apparently, there are an awful lot of people walking around with ice cream cones in their back pockets, because many states have had enough of this nuisance and wrote a law to stop it!  Well, it's about time!

Many states have laws prohibiting a variety of consensual sexual acts and pretty much everything except the missionary position.  They don’t even want you bathing nude!  So tell me……..HOW WOULD THEY KNOW?!?  Oh, and no predicting the future.  One state even went so far as to say that you could be fined if you predicted the future and it didn’t come true.  I take it this was WAY before Sylvia Brown. 

My favorite, though, had to be those laws preventing various activities while walking backwards on a public street.  This was common enough across the states that many were specific about what you could not do while walking backwards.  Where were these people going and why was it necessary to get there BACKWARDS?  And no spitting….ever….anywhere. 

There are a couple of head-scratcher too.  For example, many states require that, should two trains meet on the same track, neither one of them is permitted to move until one of them passes.  Umm….I’m not sure they thought that one through all the way. 

Here are more of my favorites – I couldn’t help commenting on them:

ALABAMA

·        It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.  Aw, you’re takin’ all the fun out of it.

ARIZONA

·         When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.  Well, as soon as I kill him, I will be SURE he has whatever I killed him with ON his person.

ARKANSAS

·         The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.  Yeah, and it shall stop raining on March 21^st for a period of seven months and snow an acceptable amount in December so as to render ones neighborhood the spitting image of a Thomas Kinkade painting at Christmas.

·         A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.  Honey!  It’s the 5^th of the month…..get in here and bring that big stick!

CALIFORNIA

·         Women may not drive in a house coat.  In a related law: There can be no Wal-Mart stores in California.

·         No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.  If your car wants to drive around by itself at 55mph though…….that’s OK.

·         Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.  Provided you can find any survivors left to levy the fine.

·         Kites may not be flown above 10 feet over the ground.  So…………no kites.

COLORADO

·         It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.  OK horsey….off the elevator.  No business on the second floor for you today.

·         It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.  Listen up, weeds.  If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times……get outta here!

CONNECTICUT

·         You may not educate dogs.  They’ll just tell the cats, who will tell the hamsters….it’ll be anarchy!

DELAWARE

·         One may not whisper in church.  If you’re gonna talk, you better speak up so the whole class can hear.

FLORIDA

·         Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.  OK, you realize someone had to DO this for the law to be necessary, right?

GEORGIA

·        It is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.  ‘Cause we’re sick of the joke, man!

·         Cars are not to drive on sidewalks.  Really?  This was necessary to put in writing?

HAWAII

·         Coins are not allowed to be placed in one’s ears.  And while we’re at it, no elbows, either.

IDAHO

·         A person may not be seen in public without a smile on their face.  I don’t care if your grandma DID just die!  Suck it up, buddy!

ILLINOIS

·        It is illegal to eat in a place that is on fire.  Hey, honey – there’s smoke billowing from that little pizza joint……let’s go grab a slice.

·        It is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, or any other domesticated animals.  I guess if they wanna smoke, they gotta light it themselves.

INDIANA

·         You can get out of paying for a dependent’s medical care by praying for him or her.  “Ma’am, you bill comes to……”  “Hold on, hold on……Dear Lord……”  “Never mind, your charges are now void.”

·         No one may throw an old computer across the street at their neighbor.  Shoot him, run him over with your car, but dear Lord, not the electronics.

KANSAS

·        State game rules prohibit the use of mules to hunt ducks. Probably because they’re just too awkward to go fetch ‘em and bring ‘em back.

KENTUCKY

·         Throwing eggs at a public speaker could result in up to one year in prison.  This law was repealed in 1975, so………….FIRE AWAY!

LOUISIANA

·        It is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless her husband is waving a flag in front of it.  NOW we know where this little insult got started.

MAINE

·         It is illegal to park in front of Dunkin Donuts.  Because if the police need to get in and out in a hurry, you just can’t be blocking the entrance and such.

MINNESOTA

·         There are TWO laws that specifically prohibit crossing a state line with a chicken or a duck on your head.  This must have been a rampant problem for them to outline two separate laws.  No chickens.  No ducks.  ON your head.  Don’t even think about it.

NEBRASKA

·         It is illegal to go whale fishing.  NEBRASKA……landlocked NEBRASKA.  Honey!  Guess what we’re having for dinner?

NEW HAMPSHIRE

·         Any cattle that crosses state roads must be fitted with a device to gather its feces.  So……a diaper.

NEW JERSEY

·         It is illegal to wear a bullet-proof vest while committing a murder.  You know, in case they want to kill you back.

NEW YORK

·         The penalty for jumping off a building is death.  Yeah….it’s called “natural consequences”.

·         Slippers are not to be worn after 10pm.  Wear them during the day at Wal-Mart like everyone else, lady.

NORTH CAROLINA

·        It is against the law to sing off key.  No American Idol for you!

OHIO

·         It is illegal to get a fish drunk.  I can’t even begin to respond to that….

·         It is illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.  So is mounting their heads on the wall, I imagine.

OKLAHOMA

·         Whaling is illegal.  I know Texas is flat, but I’m pretty sure you can’t see the coast from OKLAHOMA!

PENNSYLVANIA

·         All fire hydrants must be checked one hour before all fires. Apparently the fire fighters in Pennsylvania are psychic.

·         No sleeping on refrigerators.  This law was mentioned specifically in two different cities.  I guess they scrapped the “Frigidaire Mattress” early on…

RHODE ISLAND

·        No one may bite off another’s leg.  Do you realize how long it would take….

TENNESSEE

·        It is illegal to post images online that cause “emotional distress” without legitimate purpose.  I MEANT to embarrass you with that photo, so I tagged you on FaceBook!

·         You can’t shoot any game, other than whales, from a moving automobile.  Has this EVER been a coastal state?!?

TEXAS

·        A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed. Dear Homeowner: at 2:17am this next Thursday, I am going to break into your house through your kitchen window, take the laptop, TV and your coin collection.  If you could just have those items boxed and ready for me, that would be great.  Oh, and don’t tell.

UTAH

·         It is considered an offense to hunt whales.  All these landlocked states and their whale laws….maybe there were freshwater whales back in the day….?

·         No one may walk down the street carrying a paper bag containing a violin.   We can’t have you spontaneously bustin’ out in a serenade, now can we?

WASHINGTON STATE

·         No one may set fire to another person’s property without prior permission.  Dear Homeowner: I would like to burn your house down.  Check “yes” or “no”.  Sincerely, Your friendly neighborhood arsonist.

WEST VIRGINIA

·         Whistling under water is prohibited.  ….and impossible, so thanks for stating the obvious.

WISCONSIN

·         Missiles may not be shot at parade participants.  You know, ‘cause that’s just overkill.  Just use a gun.