Wine = Life Support

A real man is a woman's best friend. He will never let her down. He will comfort her after a bad day. He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions. He will enable her to be confident, sexy, seductive and invincible ...No, wait. Sorry. I'm thinking of wine. It's wine that does all that. Never mind.

I love wine, but I don’t drink it all that much.  The secret of enjoying a good wine is to open the bottle to allow it to breathe. If it doesn't look like it's breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.  Seriously, though, I can’t tolerate hard liquor and beer does NOT like me, so I enjoy an inexpensive brand and make fun of myself for it.  Nothing says "I've got my life together” like buying a jumbo bottle of $9 wine in sweatpants on a Thursday night.

The Wal-Mart near me has just finished a major renovation to include an expanded grocery area.  They now have a decent wine selection.  By ‘decent’, I mean they have the brand that I like.  I heard through the grapevine (pun intended!) that they now want to produce their own brand of vino spirits at an affordable price.  They are soliciting suggestions on what to name the new libation – here are the finalists:

-- Chateau Traileur Parc

-- I Can’t Believe It’s Not Vinegar!

-- Grape Expectations

-- Nasti Spumante

-- White Trashfindel

-- Bored Doe

-- Redneck Riesling

Wal-Mart is gettin’ dang classy!  I don’t do wine-tasting and I’m not a wine snob.  (I’m a coffee snob…..had to pick ONE!)  I’ve given up a lot of vices in my lifetime…I’m afraid red wine will never be one of them.  Besides, it’s been said that red wine has some good antioxidants, so if you look at it the right way, it’s health food! 

I once told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle...So they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.  Meanies. 

I’m going to relax with a bottle…I mean GLASS….of wine now.  I’ll leave you with my favorite “drunk-speak” excuse:  “Officly honester, I'm not under the alchafluence of inchahol as thinkle peep I am.”