If I keep this up, someone may have to put me on time-out

I don't go to Wal-Mart for the low prices, I go for the self-esteem boost.  Well, that and it’s great fodder for my comedic material.  Recently, I was at my local Wal-Mart.  A couple, shopping with their son, kept saying, “Billy, knock it off”  “Billy, come here!”  “Billy, not so loud.”  For some reason, they ended up in every single aisle I was in and I was tired of the idle threats to “Billy” that went unheeded by the little snot, so I waited for the next time Mom or Dad threw out a random threat.  Right on cue, the Dad said, “Billy, quit it!”  I followed it quickly with, “Yeah, Billy…..SAVE IT!”  It stunned all of them.  Billy hid behind his Mom, who gave me the stink-eye – I don’t think the Dad even heard me.  Guess what?  Billy stopped being a little punk.  You’re welcome!

I am rarely shy about saying things to strangers in a humorous way, if I think I can get away with it.  Sometimes I’m the only one who thinks it’s funny, but that’s OK.  Usually, I can’t keep a straight face, so they know I’m kidding, but I often find a way to crack jokes with people.  My Dad is the same way.  Gee, I wonder where I get it?  While accompanying my Mom on a business trip to Seattle a few years ago, I had become quite ill.  My sister, Kami, was with us and she and I were in an elevator on our way back to our room in the hotel.  A couple got on with us in the lobby – we stood behind them.  When the doors closed, I turned to Kam and said, ”So the doctor said it was contagious. Very contagious. I shouldn't be out at all today.” Then I coughed a little.  Kam, picking up on what I was doing (recognizing it as a conversation from the movie “Ghost”, between Patrick Swayze and Tony Goldwyn) said, “And what about the rash?”  I answered, “Not good.  It’s spreading everywhere.  Doctor said not to touch anyone.”  The couple in front of us visibly stiffened a little.  I did very well at keeping a straight face but the fact that I was truly ill did a lot to make our conversation credible.  THAT was fun...and mean...but FUN

I’ve seen some funny ideas for things to do to throw people off that I’m always waiting for the opportunity to try out:

-- Specify that your drive-thru order is “to go”

-- Ask an associate for entry into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "There is no toilet paper in here!" 

-- At a grocery store, randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.  (Not canned goods, of course.)

-- In an elevator, stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

Being ornery is fun.  It’ll probably get me in trouble someday, in fact, I’m probably lucky that Billy’s Mom didn’t deck me.  For now, though, it’s my personal mission in life to get others to lighten up and quit taking life so seriously!  Laughter is healing, so that’s my health care plan for now!