“This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark.”

OK, so I’ve harped on stupid people and stupid warnings before, but the newscaster warning I just heard compels me to revisit this recurring issue:  she just suggested that we be sure we only use our fireworks outside.  That’s sad…’cause you know somebody wrote ‘em a letter:  “Dear Pyro-King Fireworks: I set fire to this colorful yet flimsy paper container full of gun powder and set it on my coffee table for all to enjoy.  It burned the house down and killed the cat.  What did I do wrong?”  Seriously?!?  Sadly, I can see this actually happening, but what’s truly sad is that you have to say it at all.

It is truly frightening the lengths to which manufacturers will go to “warn” us about the misuse of their products.  Some of these products are imported from other countries and I think they must put these obscure warnings on things because they actually think we Americans are that stupid.  For example:

·         On a bottle of shampoo for dogs:  “CAUTION: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.”

·         On a toilet at a public sports facility:  “Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking.”  Well, thank goodness they warned us, ‘cuz the first place I go to fill up my water bottle in the bathroom is the toilet…

·         On a toner cartridge for a laser printer:  “Do not eat toner.”  But I skipped lunch and it looks so tasty…especially that blue one!

·         On a can of self-defense pepper spray: “May irritate eyes”  That’s like putting a warning on guns that says, “May fire bullets”.

·         On a toilet bowl cleaning brush:  “Do not use orally”  Um…ew.

·         In the manual for a heated seat cushion:  “Warning: Do not use on eyes”  Now what kind of letter must they have received to make that warning necessary?

·         On a can of air freshener:  “For use by trained personnel only – keep out of reach of children and teenagers”  You can drive a car but don’t you touch that air freshener can!

·         A label inside a protective bag for fragile objects, which measures 15cm x 15cm x 12cm: “Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up.  Doing so will cause injury and death”  Check out those dimensions…apparently this warning was intended for the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

·         On a portable stroller: “CAUTION: Remove infant before folding for storage”  Really?!?

·         From a manual for an SGI computer: “Do not dangle the mouse by its cable or throw the mouse at co-workers”  Yeah, use the wireless mouse...it can be thrown further.  Better yet, just smack ‘em with the keyboard.

These warnings are necessary because somebody got hurt and decided to make a buck from their own stupidity by suing the manufacturer.  Must be the embarrassment of actually accepting responsibility for being and idiot.  Why else would we need a warning on Midol Maximum Strength PMS tablets to see your doctor if you have a prostate problem? 

Let’s be safe next 4^th of July.  Don’t hold bottle rockets in your teeth and for pity’s sake, jot down this number for the International Prosthetics Association: 800-232-9255.