Just for fun

When I was a kid visiting my grandmother, I used to love reading her Reader’s Digest magazine.  My favorite part was all the jokes.  I looked forward to the new one every month so much that Grandma got me a subscription of my own.  To this day, I’ll pick it up at the newsstand or browse the online site.  Here’s a few for your viewing pleasure:

I bought a pint of  Häagen-Dazs ice cream at the supermarket. As the cashier rang it up, I asked, “How do you pronounce that?”

Speaking slowly and distinctly, he said, “Four dollars and seventy-nine cents.”

Lying on his deathbed, the rich, miserly old man calls to his long-suffering wife. "I want to take all my money with me," he tells her. "So promise me you’ll put it in the casket."

After the man dies, his widow attends the memorial service with her best friend. Just before the undertaker closes the coffin, she places a small metal box inside.

Her friend looks at her in horror. "Surely," she says, "you didn't put the money in there."

"I did promise him I would," the widow answers. "So I got it all together, deposited every penny in my account, and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

Senior citizens have taken to texting with gusto. They even have their own vocabulary:

BFF: Best Friend Fainted
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered by Medicare
FWB: Friend with Beta-blockers
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

I knew that my husband’s hearing had deteriorated after our friend—new to the city— asked where he could meet some singles. "Well," said my husband, "I see them in the Kmart parking lot diving for fries."

"Dear," I intervened. "Singles, not seagulls."

A customer called our service line demanding help with her TV set, which wouldn't come on.

"I’m sorry, but we can’t send a technician out today due to the blizzard," I told her.

Unsatisfied, she barked, "I need my TV fixed today! What else am I supposed to do while the power is out?!"

OK, maybe they’re just funny to me, but I had to tell someone!